Codes
by Scottea
Summary: Kirk almost loses it all due to infatuation and perfume.
1. Chapter 1

Ever since this second half of the assignment had started James Kirk had been aware of the unease among the core five remaining senior crew whenever they were all on the bridge. Both McCoy and Scotty had not been on the bridge as often as they used to be. It had only been when McCoy had told him to only contact him if there was a real medical emergency otherwise to deal with his medical officers and had not called him Jim that he knew McCoy had not yet accepted that his actions had been the only ones he could take. He had been aware of how there was a very strange and most uncomfortable distance between the senior crew and him that was getting wider almost daily. He knew the cause of it and also remembered only too well when he had first met with them and said that Spock had decided to leave the ship.

There had been silence and stillness, a stunned silence that almost reverberated with disbelief, for perhaps four minutes as the five looked from him to one another and he had clearly seen not only the total disbelief and doubt on their faces but also the slow dawning of something else. It was clear that they knew it was not the full truth but he had not wanted to deal with the truth that had started to erode the confidence he had felt at the time. No, he had mentally shaken his head, all of them had seen how it had been on the bridge those last six days after he had corrected Spock in front of them. Perhaps he could have handed it better but Spock had clearly over-stepped the line, and in front of guests.

Just before he left the ship Spock had looked at the five officers who were waiting for him in the transporter room. Very slowly and steadily he looked at them one by one as though wanting to remember everything about this moment. He then gave a nod, "Should the events I expect to occur transpire I would expect each of you to immediately put into the systems accessible at your stations the term PUFFBALL irrespective of what the Captain might say or do. I will not go into details but I believe that should the events occur and you do as I ask there will be no danger to the crew nor the ship." He stepped up onto the platform and again looked at each of them individually before he said, "I am uncertain if we will have the opportunity to meet again so I shall now thank you all for your support and understanding during the time we have served together and hope," he raised his hand in that familiar salute, "you all live long and prosper."

Almost as one they said, "Same to you, Spock." and then he was gone and the five just stood looking at one another.

Finally Scotty said, "I can nae speak for the rest of ye but I am not on duty for another fifteen hours and I intend to go and empty at least one bottle as I can nae believe what happened, can nae believe he left and is nae coming back."

"It is like a living death. It is so wrong. That woman was smiling when the Keptin was yelling at Mister Spock. I think I will help you empty a bottle or two, Scotty."

"I agree, Chekov, it is so wrong. It was not like the Captain at all. He had no reason to react as he did, to say what he did. She has been asking to see way more of the ship than others have and he has been telling her a lot more than he usually does. I'll just dash to my quarters and get another bottle to add to Scotty's and meet you there."

"I'll," Uhura paused for a moment as she looked at the others, seeing reflections of what she was feeling so clearly about them, "I'll go get some food to help with the alcohol consumption, and get some coffees as well." she looked again at the other four and smiled, "I'll get an ensign to help me bring coffee pots and cups to Scotty's quarters so we don't all end up sleeping there."

"I'll go to my quarters and then sickbay to get something I think we are all going to need later before I join you."

For a long the four men looked at Uhura as she clearly struggled with herself, her eyes closed and shaking her head, then she looked them individually and said, "I think it best I not be on my own at the moment as I have never felt the urge to do physical damage to the Captain before after what he did. I cannot say or even imagine how you feel but to me a huge part of who we are, of what we are together as well as individuals, just left. I do not want to be on that bridge again without knowing he will be there at some time and I definitely should not be on the bridge alone with the Captain for a few days."

It had been three hours later when Captain Kirk escorted the three guests to the transporter room and had been slightly surprised that his Chief Engineer was not there but knew that his shift had ended. He looked one last time at Erin Saunders and remembered the great times they had shared while she was on the ship. It was not often that he encountered a woman like her, so feminine, attractive and loving while also so very interested in the ship. She had been right, Spock had been a big hindrance to their relationship that only seemed to improve when he had had that altercation with Spock. Without Spock being there he had, when with her, felt things he had not felt for a long time.

He had, just for a moment behind the controls after beaming Erin off the ship, cursed that he had to meet and greet his new First Officer and new Science Officer. It was going to be a change for all of them but he simply would not tolerate the any form of insubordination, especially not as gross a display of insubordination as he had from Spock in front of Erin.

Both Science Officer Geoff Majet and First Officer Dennis Frinks seemed confident and he had them escorted to their new quarters and arranged for a meeting and a familiarization tour of the ship at the end of remaining twelve hours of his official rest and relaxation period. As he walked back to his own quarters he found he could not forget Erin and how she clearly was interested in him and the ship. He was sure he would see her again when they next were within transporter range.

There was a very noticeable change in the feeling on the bridge with the new two officers yet Kirk could not complain about the crew not welcoming and working well with the two new officers. It took him less than a standard hour to realize that while they worked well the whole atmosphere on the bridge was in no way relaxed, it was almost too quiet. What conversation there was was tense and guarded and full titles were used instead of just rank or surname. Neither McCoy nor Scotty remained on the bridge after meeting the new men and both only reported to the bridge when Kirk summoned them. As he moved around the ship Kirk noticed the same feeling he had felt on the bridge, an almost wariness around him. Obviously how and where he had reprimanded Spock had spread throughout the crew and he was aware, from the way the crew looked at him, that what had been said was also known. He tried to ignore it as he knew his command crew and he was sure that within two or three days things would get back to normal, that they, and the rest of the crew, would see he had to do it and that he had said what had to be said..

Nine days after they had left Spock and Erin Saunders on Star Base Eleven the crew still had not fully adjusted and Kirk was not sure how he was feeling about what had happened. A part of him had rebelled at and was repulsed by what he had said and done to Spock and yet he was sure he had been right, he had known it was the only action he could take after what Spock had said. Spock had spoken out of turn and, in front of the bridge crew and Erin herself, accused him of giving too much information to Erin and allowing her to inspect restricted areas.

He was watching the interaction between Majet and Frinks when Sulu had said, " Klingon vessel closing fast, Captain!"

"On visual and augment."

"This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation starship Enterprise. Identify yourself."

"We know who you are, Captain. We have been expecting you."

"You have been,"

"Captain, they are attempting to access,"

Almost as one Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov, said, " **Puffball**." and both McCoy and Scotty heard it come over their comm units.

"Soon, Kirk we will have **all** you have on the Federation and Starfleet. You gave her," there was a sound he could not identify but that sounded like somebody trying to vomit and swear at the same time. " **What, what have you done, Kirk?** How, how could you do this without that Vulcan being aboard? She told us she got rid of him. You have no other aboard who could had done this. **She** told us only that Vulcan has such skills and that she would eliminate him."

"Our systems are all back on line, Sir. It, it appears we have more information about their systems that will need decrypting. A most complex blocking and reversing program. It appears it stripped some important information from their systems and has left them with life support but no weapons and only warp one capabilities. I would like to know how and when this modification was installed as I was not told of it."

Kirk was aware of Frinks talking but he was furious at himself. He had been set up, used, put his crew and ship at risk, and, he did not want to think about it but it was there mocking him, destroyed the best friendship he had ever had and possibly ever likely to have. As usual Spock had thought of others, had clearly done something to the computer system and told the others about it. When they got back to Starbase Eleven he would have to find Spock and try to explain things to him. Spock had been aware that Erin was using him, was getting more and more information about the ship than an ambassadorial aide needed to know, and had tried to tell him that.

He looked again at the captain of the Klingon ship, "You clearly did not get all the information you needed. Your spy failed you."

" **NO!** **She** said that you were willing to show her what she wanted to see and to fully answer all her questions and that that Vulcan had been a short term problem but said she had gotten rid him! Where is he?"

"Like I said, your spy failed you. Deal with it on your own. Kirk, Enterprise, out."

For a moment Jim Kirk was aware of all the bridge looking at him, then he said, "Helm, lay in a course back to Starbase Eleven. Communications, get me Admiral Tomlinks at Starbase Eleven."

"Course laid in, Sir."

It was so unusual for him to turn to the Science Station and not see Spock there that for a moment he felt disquieted by it, and by remembering how Spock had left.

"Admiral Tomlinks on audio for you, Captain."

"Thank you both."

"Kirk, your former First Officer informed us a full investigation into the movement and associations of Erin Saunders over the last eighteen months might prove on interest. We did some investigating and it seems we found a Klingon spy. She was an ambassadorial aide for over a decade and there was no indication she was a spy. She asked one day about just how good the security was aboard starships and when she was stationed here she made a comment about how it would be easy to access the information on a starship and how the likes of the Klingons would welcome such information. We sent her on the Enterprise to show her how secure a starship is. When she was being debriefed she said she would not be surprised if you had a serious encounter with the Klingons from which they would obtain more information about the Federation and Starfleet."

"Fortunately First Officer Spock prevented that from happening and we have every reason to believe that we have acquired more information about the Klingon force. If it is at all possible I would appreciate reinstating Mister Spock as my First Officer. At the time I requested,"

"Your request for the reinstatement of Mister Spock is noted and declined. Erin Saunders gave us a detailed report of what she had done. We were, at first, getting nothing from her till Mister Spock suggested we tell her we were going to send her to the Klingon homeworld after informing them how she had failed. She begged not to go and told us everything."

Relief flooded over Kirk, Spock was alive and still helping him, despite all that he had said Spock still cared. "If she told you everything then you know that my action in dismissing Mister Spock was a reaction to,"

"The perfume she wore acted as a mild drug. Yes, she fully explained how she kept you as she wanted you. She was clearly unaware that you and Mister Spock had already discussed securing the computer on the Enterprise. There was mention of you dismissing Mister Spock from the Enterprise as was part of her plan once he started to be aware of what she was doing. She also told us of the men she hired to find and kill Mister Spock here and how she had killed them after they told her where his body was."

 _His body. **His body.**_ All he could hear was _his body_.

Dimly he heard Uhura's voice, "Admiral Tomlinks, this is Lieutenant Uhura, Communications Officer on the Enterprise. Captain Kirk will give you a full report when we arrive have there in," she looked at Sulu who held up six fingers, "six days."

"Good. Can you patch me through to Doctor Leonard McCoy now, Lieutenant?"

"Patching you through."

Kirk was aware of Chekov coming up to him with Sulu and Sulu taking the chair and how neither Majet nor Frinks protested when Sulu said, "Take him to his quarters, Pavel, and Uhura please get McCoy to go see him when he finishes with Tomlinks."

He could not remember the walk to his quarters but was certain that he would not have made it there alone. Nor was he aware of Chekov helping him to sit at his desk. He only heard those two words, he was almost paralyzed by those two words, and he kept seeing the look on Spock's face the last time he had seen him. Heard a faint echo of the flatness in the voice that said, "Acknowledged, Captain." His body. His body. His body. His body.

There was the unmistakable pressure on his arm and the hiss of a hypo as McCoy's voice broke through the repeating his body. "Sulu has increased speed, Jim. We should be there in eighty standard hours. Now I may not be able to do anything for him when we get there but I told Tomlinks what they can do to try to maintain Spock till we get there. They have nothing, absolutely nothing, they can really use for a transfusion but I told them what might keep him with us till we get there. They said he had all but bled out by the time they found him. I told them not to mention your name."

While his mind slowly registered what was being said and the repeated his body slightly had faded he only really looked at McCoy after he said he had told them not to mention his name. "Bones, Spock would,"

"Would what, Jim? You forgetting that tirade to end all tirades you delivered in front of the crew? You forgotten the words you used, what you called him, how you reminded him that he was just another officer to you and how easily he could be replaced? If you had used that tone and those words to any of us I think we would have verbally if not physically reacted but that is not his way. Were you even remotely aware of how that all but tore him apart? It was obvious to all of us that, at the time, you clearly meant it from the way you stood, the way you looked at him, and the way you had not shown any signs of not knowing what you were saying or doing." McCoy shook his head as he saw the bewilderment about his friend's face and nodded, "We were all unaware that you were being drugged by being so close to her, that she was wearing a special perfume. We were all only acutely aware of what you said and how you said it at Spock."

For a moment he thought McCoy was so furious at him that he had said at and not to, he had wanted to say how McCoy had said the word made it sound like he had been attacking. Hadn't he been doing that? Lashing out and attacking Spock? "But Bones, I," he stopped suddenly uncertain of what to say. How could he tell his friend he had no memory of exactly what he had said?

"I have something I want you to see and hear," McCoy just looked at him, and shook his head before he reached out, flicked on Kirk's comm unit and said, "Sulu, play the segment I requested to this terminal."

A scene of the bridge came into view with him facing Spock and him talking as he walked with Erin Saunders , "While I show our guest the rest of the ship you are in command, Spock. She has expressed an interest to see Engineering and the remaining areas she has not yet seen and I told her I would be,"

"Captain, do you think it is wise to show,"

There had been a hint of frustration and anger in his voice and he and spun around and walked right up to stand not more than inches from Spock and was glaring at him, "Are you, First Officer, questioning my order?"

"Not the order, Sir, only the reason behind,"

"I told you she is our guest and expressed an interest in seeing the rest of the ship,"

"Might I ask what, exactly, her interest in seeing so much of the ship,"

" **NO!** No you may not question her reasons nor mine. I am your commanding officer, I am the Captain of this ship and I gave you an order, in case you had forgotten. I am the Captain and you are just another officer on my ship, an officer that can easily be replaced. No, wait, Vulcans do not forget, do they? You, being only half Human but with a dominant Vulcan gene, do not have the ability to understand that just sometimes Humans can show an interest in what interests another Human and may even share an interested in the same or similar things. You have no comprehension of what it means to be a good host and to cater to your guests. Erin has expressed an interest in seeing the whole of the ship and has not seen Engineering so I am taking her to see it. Is there any part of that you did not understand?"

"Captain, it is my duty and responsibility, as First Officer of this ship, to ensure the,"

"You no longer have any responsibilities or duties on this ship. You, Mister Spock, are no longer not only not the First Officer nor Chief Science Officer of the Enterprise but, because of your **gross insubordination and disrespect** , you are also no longer a member of this ship's crew. You should know everyone, everyone is replaceable and you may rest assured that I will have two very capable senior officers ready to take your place at next shift and they will easily fulfill those roles until I can get a new First Officer and a new Chief Science Officer which should not take long after we arrive at Starbase Eleven."

Kirk momentarily closed his eyes and shook his head as he only now heard the voices of the others on the bridge start to protest and opened his eyes to see how Spock had only slightly moved his hand and they had gone silent.

"You are to leave the bridge and never return to it. You are to clear your quarters so that as soon as we are within transporting range you and your belongings can be transported back to Starbase Eleven. Your actions will go on your record and know that when you leave this ship you also leave my life."

"Sir, I only have concerns about you and the ship's,"

"Oh please. Having concerns reflects having feelings and having feelings reflects having emotions and we all know Vulcans, even a half-breed Vulcan like you, do not have emotions. You said that all your life you have fought to control your Human side and all the associated emotions, well congratulations, you have more then controlled them, you have buried them so deeply under that Vulcan control they are now dead. You are so conditioned to think only of rules, regulations, and duty that you have buried that human idiosyncrasy of caring about what another might like, irrespective of how unusual it is perceived, you are totally incapable of thinking of, let alone remotely understanding, how another might possibly feel. Ironically that is what makes you such a good Science Officer and First Officer, your total inability to think about the feelings of others, and your fixation on reality that blinds you to the hopes and dreams and feelings of others. Hopes, dreams, and the feelings of others are beyond your comprehension as they are not scientifically based. My final orders for you are for you to immediately cease to have anything to do with the running of this ship and to be prepared to leave it as soon as we are in transporter range and my last words to you are that you are to **stay the hell out of my life**."

For just a moment it looked like Spock wanted to say more but he just gave one quick nod of his head, said, "Acknowledged, Captain." and left. There had been a slight movement from the others but there had been just the slightest shake of Spock's head and minimal raise of his hand to still them. Then the scene went blank.

Although Kirk was aware he was sitting he was not aware that he was trembling and shaking his head. He knew he had seen what he had said and how he had really hurt his closest friend yet he could not believe it. He had believed that he would, could never say such things to Spock. "Bones, Bones," he looked and saw McCoy shaking his head. "What, what I said to him."

Again McCoy reached out and flicked a switch on the comm unit, "Sulu, please play that second recording." then looked at him, "This is just an audio, Jim, but it shows he disobeyed your orders. Seems he went to his quarters, did some work, and sent this."

" _Message to Admiral Franklin Tomlinks, Starbase Eleven. As my last action aboard the Enterprise I, S'chn T'gai Spock, former First Officer of said ship, freely, and on my own accord and volition, did, just prior to leaving the ship, modify the computer's security system as it is my belief that an attempt will be made by an enemy vessel, most likely Klingon, to access the system. I admit that my reasoning for this action was not totally based on scientific details but what Humans would call a gut instinct combined with years of studying Humans and some knowledge of how an enemy could make use of the computer system of the Enterprise to not only control the ship but to have a way into the main computer at Command. Also instrumental in my taking this action was my last discussion with Captain James T. Kirk The modification will simultaneously, upon any unauthorized attempt to access the systems aboard the Enterprise by an unknown entity, alert four main computer stations on the ship's bridge and immediately send back to the computer attempting to access it a program that will disable the invading computer system to the point where the ship it is on will only have impulse capabilities, limited communications, and basic life support but no weapons capacity for a period of five hundred standard hours at which time the computers will revert to their original states. The four mentioned stations are navigation, the helm, communications, and engineering. There is also an automatic failsafe for the medical and life-support systems as well as basic armaments and propulsion to warp three capacity. All four senior officers at those stations have been given the codeword to enter to immediately that will not only send a surge of energy back to the infiltrating system but also establish an extra link of blockage and entrapment that can be accessed later. The Chief Medical Officer has also been informed of the code word should he also wish to give himself emotional security that the stored information is secure. Should this situation eventuate I would suggest that those four senior officers be given some recognition and consideration of advancement on the ship and a commendation be noted for the Chief Medical Officer. For more details on the modification the access code is four jay tee kay ex zero point five aych. Message ends."_

For a moment there was silence and what seemed to echo for Kirk was my last discussion with Captain James T. Kirk. What was Spock talking about? It had not been a discussion, it had been him ranting.

"Does that access code have any meaning to you, Jim? Seems odd to me. I can get that the first part, the first four, mean it was something for you but the other four mean nothing. Write it down and see if it means anything to you." McCoy looked at him, "I think we can agree that the first three let us know it is for you or was done for you but ex zero point five aych means nothing."

Idly Kirk mentally pictured the letters in his mind 4JTKX0.5H. No, he shook his head as he tried not to think what he was thinking. A small ex was used in basic mathematical equations to indicate multiplication or stand for the word by, zero point five was half, and on Starfleet personnel forms the letter H signified Human. Spock had used it not only as an access code but also as a message to him, a message letting him know that he accepted his Human half and did some actions based on its dictates rather than his Vulcan dictates.

Calming himself he looked up and saw acceptance and understanding about the blue eyes that looked at him, "After what I had said to him he was letting me know it was a Human action and not a Vulcan one. Oh Bones, what that must have cost him after what I said to him, how I said it."

"He would have understood, Jim. You two have had other confrontations where you have not exactly been polite. How many times have you,"

"No. No, not this time, Bones. You saw it. You saw it when I first said it at him and again on the display. The way he looked, the way he acknowledged what I said. This time, this time I have hurt him, really hurt him. This time I have lost the best officer, best officer I possibly ever have had or will have. Even worse Bones is, is I have also lost one of the best friends I could ever hope to have."

"How, **how dare you!**" the unusual harshness in McCoy's voice made his look at his friend and saw a barely controlled fury he could not recall ever seeing before, "How dare you think **you are the only one to lose a close friend**? You **forgetting the rest of us**? He is **not just your friend**. He was way more than **just another officer** to us. He was a rock for and to us, a friend in a very unfriendly space, and a confident we knew could trust with anything, anything irrespective of how illogical or irrational it was. After what you did we individually and collective went to him. We went to help him, to reassure him, but you know what that stubborn Vulcan said? Do you want to know that he was concerned that if we had any contact with him that **you would see it as a form of betrayal** by us? Even worse, is that you need to know that the five of us, at that moment, agreed with him. Those last few days were purgatory. He, he even told us that he would just leave and we were to accept it was best if we were on duty when he did so. He wasn't just your friend, Jim, nor even just a damned good friend to just us."

Kirk felt a hand on his shoulder and the fingers gently squeeze as though trying to reassure him in some way. "You just walk about the ship, Jim. You just walk around the ship as you and not as the captain and you will feel it. There is a very different feel among the crew. That green-blooded hobgoblin may not be the friendliest of beings on the ship but you might be surprised, I know I was, when different officers, officers not even in his departments, say how much he has helped them, how demanding but fair he has been, how he encouraged them to do better. You may find that there is a whole parcel of at least a hundred requests for transfers off the ship because of the, and I quote, uncertainty as to the mental stability of the commanding officer namely Captain James T. Kirk. Uhura has, gawd knows why, managed to talk the officers into just filing their requests with her by saying that she will personally discuss the matter with senior officers at both Command and Starbase Eleven. You will find a majority do not understand what happened, starting with your senior crew, nor why he had to leave. You are going to have to address the crew and let them know what is going on."

Kirk got up and started to pace then sat back down and shook his head, "How, Bones? How to I explain it to them when I do not fully understand it myself? If I tell them the truth they will know how weak I am, how I,"

"Now just **you wait a minute** , James Tiberius Kirk! That is an **insult to this crew**! This crew has seen you and the whole command crew in our many different moods and reacting in different ways. What you do is tell them the truth. Tell them how she used you, how she was a spy and was using a modified endorphin-based perfume that temporarily stupefied you and that you reacted badly when Spock questioned you. You tell them that you have recovered and that things," when McCoy suddenly stopped Kirk looked and saw his friend had his eyes closed and his head bowed, slightly shaking it, and had his hands balled into tight fists.

"Bones?"

" **Damnit to hell, Jim!** " McCoy opened his eyes and looked right at him, "I was going to say that things are returning to normal but they aren't. There is no way, **no way** they can stabilize him with the tremendous blood loss he had and they have nothing, nothing that will really substitute for good transfusion material. What they will be using on him will be draining his reserves. We'll be lucky to be there before he dies. From what I can tell from what was said he's unable to enter a trance for some reason." McCoy closed his eyes for a moment and then paced before stopping and looking right at him, "I do not know if he is unable to enter a healing trance or, or," McCoy nodded mor e to himself than to Kirk, "or **if he does not want to** enter one."

"Why would he not want," as Kirk looked at McCoy he saw the truth, saw the reason and did not want to believe it yet, at his core, he knew it to be true and he started to shake his head. "My gawd, Bones, **what have I done**? I, I left him no way of returning to what he once said was his best place."

McCoy kept quiet. All he could do was be there for Kirk and gently he placed his hand on Kirk's shoulder. They were both hurting although he was sure Kirk was feeling it more. With realizing how his actions meant he had ensured Spock could not return had only compounded his friend's self-blame. He wanted to mention how just twice in all the years, all the times that Spock had been in Sickbay in a serious semi-conscious condition he had said that the ship was where he felt alive and where his non-blood family was, that it was his home, but that was between that special Vulcan and him.

When Kirk bowed his head and placed it to rest on his folded hands on the desk McCoy quickly filled another hypo, this time to help his friend get the sleep he needed and the restorative rest he would need for what was to come. Before the sedative took full effect he was able to get Kirk to his bed, removed his boots, then covered him with a blanket before dimming the lights and leaving. Just before the door closed he looked back at Kirk and realized that the anguish his friend was feeling was only a dim prelude to what was to come unless,

He slammed his flat hand against the wall. **No!** There was no way he was going to let those doctors at Starbase Eleven not do what had to be done. He knew too many of the doctors on bases did not have to fight the way those on Starships and other ships so far away had to. While upon finishing their training and before being qualified and able to be called doctors they may have sworn the same ancient oath he had as well as the official one of Starfleet they did not have that same bond with their patient, they did not have to so often rely on those who would be their patients for their survival. On more occasions than he cared to remember he had met up with far too many base bound doctors who did what was expected of them as physicians but did not show any interest in trying the untried to a least attempt to save a patient who was in critical condition.

Damn them, he rushed to Sickbay, those base bound bodies would not want to do what he was going to tell them but he would make them. "Uhura, get me Doctor Harold Xim at Starbase Eleven. Be ready to also get me the Director of Medical Services at Command when I finish with Xim. McCoy out."

There had been something in McCoy's tone that made Uhura look at Sulu and Chekov and then contact the chief engineer and simply said for him to go to Sickbay and then made the connection.

McCoy was rather surprised when Scotty had walked in just as Uhura patched through Xim, "Doctor McCoy, Admiral Tomlinks said I was to only contact you if there was any change in the status of Mister Spock. There has been a slight decline since we,"

"Unless I am greatly mistaken you would have been told that by Admiral Tomlinks that you were to contact me immediately if there was any, any change. I stressed to the Admiral that it was imperative that I be contacted immediately. Perhaps I should ask him exactly what he told you. I highly doubt if he would not have told you that you were to contact me immediately. Did you not hear the word immediately? I can get confirmation that you acknowledged,"

"He did but I saw no reason to contact you over such a,"

"It was a change. What you are to do now is to, every three hours, force him to swallow a liquified blend of pumpkin, squash and sunflower seed kernels with some also liquified red and black beans."

"We are already giving him intravenous,"

"I know what you are hopefully giving him intravenously as that is what I thought at the time but know he needs to get more copper and zinc into his systems than that will get into him."

"More copper will,"

"Do you know nothing of the different mineral content is in the blood of other humanoids? Are you xenophobic? Vulcans have a copper-based blood not iron based and he needs more copper and zinc now. I told you that. Now, we are wasting time, you go give him at least two coffee mugs full of an equal blending of those five things now. McCoy out."

He was still seething, trying to control his anger when he had a cup thrust into his hand, "Ye best drink that down, Doctor. Tis an old way to steady one's nerves and mind. Just a toddy. I'd nae like to be him when we get there."

Cautiously McCoy took the cup knowing how well Scotty liked his occasional sip of almost pure whisky and was not disappointed. He nodded his thanks and was just setting the cup down when Uhura's voice came from the comm unit, "Doctor McCoy, I have an Officer Ian Granup from Starbase Eleven insisting he speak with you,"

"I don't know,"

"Ahh, lass, put him through," Scotty looked at McCoy, "the lad was given time off the ship by me ta, ta take care of something for me."

McCoy looked back at the Chief Engineer and suddenly knew what he meant, "Patch him through, Uhura."

"Doctor McCoy?'

"Right here, Granup, how can I help you?"

"I sort of heard your message to Doctor Xim and I can assure you he is presently doing exactly as you instructed and will continue to do so till further instructions."

"You sort of heard?" McCoy saw Scotty suddenly look at the floor then look back at him.

"Mister Scott informed me that I was to do have some down time on Starbase Eleven to, if not find, make some various tools for him and when I heard that Mister Spock had been attacked and was in the medical center here I thought I best check on how he was and got myself a janitorial eight hour shift in the area he is in. Engineering Officers Andrews and Mollen were here on leave and they are also both volunteers in the janitorial services here so there will always be somebody from the Enterprise nearby watching. I will relay the information about what he is to have and how often to ensure he gets as close in treatment here as what he would aboard the ship. I have been able to be actually in with him briefly every shift and believe, from what I understand of the instruments, that he is in no pain. I don't touch him but do talk to him although that Doctor Xim says he doesn't hear me or know I am there. I just know if I was in there I'd like to know if there were others there but the doctor never talks to him, never lets him know when there is anybody else in the room."

"Thank you for being there for him and ensuring that he will be treated better till we get there. I hope you have had time to do what Mister Scott sent you to do."

"I have one or two more to find. Andrews and Mollen have helped me with the hunt as well as making a few "

"I look forward ta seeing what ye have found and made, lad. You just keep about as ye are. We should be there in three days."

"See you in three days, Sir. Granup out."

When McCoy looked at his friend he saw him shaking his head, "I'd nae want ta be the doctor should he nae do as you said, not with those three. Now Granup's a good lad, one of my best, but he'd be worse than a terrier on a rat if somebody ill treated Spock or disrespected him. May the gods help anybody, even that doctor, who does not do what ye tell them to help Spock"

"Any special reason, Scotty?"

The Scotsman gave a wry smile, "All I will say is that a certain Vulcan has, since those three came aboard a year ago, been one to ensure they were tested and encouraged to learn more, helped me ensure they got experience in all areas and even got them special on base experiences at different bases. They know what he has done for them and that he would not like to be thanked for it."

Scotty shook his head as he looked at McCoy, "I do nae know about you but so many times he did that and more for me over the years. I could nae believe what the Captain said ta him. Nae like the way he did and in front of us. Aye , there's been a time or two when he ha had to act that way but we knew t'was an act but what he did, what he did this time we knew t'was real. This time he meant it all. Tis nae wonder he is feeling so bad now."

"Sickbay, Uhura here. Doctor McCoy, do you still wish me to connect you with the Director of Medical Services at Command?"

"Ahhhhh," McCoy hesitated as he remembered Xim's reaction, "No, no thanks, Uhura. I think the matter is in hand for now. McCoy out."

"I know that look, McCoy. Ye are planning something. Ye'd nae let one of your own off just like that."

McCoy nodded and smiled, his friend knew him too well, "As I believe Spock would say, most observant. I will wait till I meet up with him, him and his superior. For now I suggest we get some sleep as I think we are going to need all the rest we can get before we arrive at Starbase Eleven and the events there."

"Aye, I'll drink ta that. Ye sleep well now."

"You too, Scotty. I know I'll sleep better knowing someone from the ship is with him."

It was well into what he first thought was the next alpha shift when Kirk woke and almost immediately wished that McCoy had somehow been able to keep him asleep till they got to Starbase Eleven as he did not want to go to the bridge nor face the crew as he knew that word would have circulated about how he had behaved and what he had said. He no longer heard "his body" being repeated but th way Spock had looked and the sound of his voice when he said, "Acknowledged, Captain." and McCoy saying that Spock might not want to get into a healing trance and that the doctors not able to stabilize him after he had lost all the blood he had. It was not until he looked at his chronometer that he realized the good doctor had ensured he slept just over twenty hours. Only knowing that he did need to be fully rested and ready to confront what he knew he had to face on the bridge as well as around the ship stopped him going to see McCoy.

Sulu stood as soon as he entered the bridge and said, "Captain, we are at warp seven and estimated arrival at Starbase Eleven is now thirty hours."

Although he was much slower than Spock with calculations Kirk nodded as he realized that it was likely that for at least four hours they had exceeded warp seven to be only that far from Starbase Eleven now. He knew that by regulations he should reprimand Sulu for having increased speed without his direct authorization but knew that Spock had been so right in saying Sulu would make almost as good as Captain as him as he also did things without first getting approval from senior officers. "Very well, thank you Sulu. Now," he was aware of the others looking at him and he found himself momentarily doing the deep breathing exercise and centering exercise that Spock had taught him so long ago. "Now I would like to first apologize to all of you for how I behaved when Erin Saunders was aboard. You will never know how ashamed I am for not only my behavior but also for how I was towards Spock as well."

"Keptin, we were told she drugged,"

Kirk held up his hand, "That is no excuse, Chekov, for what I did, for what I said, for how I behaved. As a Captain I had no right to talk like that to my First Officer, to any officer under my command. I had absolutely no right to say what I did to my friend, that was totally unacceptable as," for a moment he heard what he had said to Spock echoing in the back of his mind, saw again how Spock had looked, "as well as totally unforgivable."

"Doctor McCoy let us know that he had heard from the medical team on Starbase Eleven that there has been no change in his condition." Kirk knew the others also heard it in her voice, the worry, the hope, and also the certainty that Spock would die as if he had been in a healing trance there would have been an improvement.

He quickly looked around the bridge then stood by the comm and pressed a button, "Scotty, keeping our present heading we are going to need warp nine for two standard hours on Sulu's command, do you think,"

"Just tell him ta give me the word and me bairns will be ready, Sir."

"Will do. Kirk out." Kirk looked at Sulu, "I'll be in Sickbay and then my quarters for the next three hours."

McCoy handed him a cup of coffee as soon as he walked into Sickbay, "Feeling better now?"

Clearly the somebody on the bridge had notified McCoy to expect him, "Thanks, I needed the sleep. Any news?"

"Like I told the others, no change."

"You believe that?"

"Let me just say I, we have a spy-cum-enforcer there"

Kirk looked over the top of the coffee cup, "Who?"

"You know Ian Granup?"

"The young engineering officer that Spock used to test so much?"

"The same. He and two others were down there working on a project for Scotty during their leave time. He heard Spock had been attacked and the three of them spend time on a volunteer basis being janitors so they can ensure that the medical staff now do exactly was I told them to do."

"Now? You mean,"

"I do not know what was happening before but with Granup having heard what I instructed them to do I know it will be done"

"You know?"

"Scotty let me know that," McCoy smiled as he looked at his friend, "unless the doctor in charge wants to be a patient he will follow my instructions to the letter."

"That's good to know. I've had Scotty increase speed to warp nine for two hours. I, I need to think of how I will get him back on the ship, how and who I will contact at Command about getting him back."

Kirk had just got to the door when McCoy said, "You may not get him back, Jim, have you thought of that, accepted that?"

Two conflicting feelings surged through Kirk as he spun to face McCoy, ready to demand an explanation but he saw the truth about the blue eyes that looked at him and the pain and look of loss about his friend's face. "Is, is his condition that bad?"

"His physical, medical, condition is serious, Jim, but you know what sticklers Command is about putting senior officers on ships and then taking them off, you know how they would react to knowing it was done because of your reacting to the drugs, how they would see that as a weakness."

"But, Bones, this exposed a spy."

"Jim, they will not take the exposing of a spy into consideration. They will only take into consideration what you stated in your report which was, if I remember rightly, that Spock had been grossly insubordinate on more than one occasion. You know that that will stay on his records and be what other commanding officers are told don't you?"

"He also saved the ship and the crew. They cannot overlook that. They cannot overlook that when I tell them he did not discuss tampering with the main computer."

" **And that's supposed to help him?** Do you have any idea just how will they view that, Jim? First you saying he was insubordinate and then that he tinkered with the main computer without your knowledge or permission will give them enough to not only keep him off the ship but also out of Starfleet and without a career. And I won't even go into how it will have worsened things for him on Vulcan."

"Huh? Insubordination and tinkering with the main computer? What are you talking about, Bones? He,"

"I know you heard it too, Jim. Spock said something on his report to Tomlinks about his last discussion with you but he did not say you gave permission or knew he was going to do it. Jim, they are not stupid and you did request a new First Officer and a new Science Officer." McCoy saw that his friend was only just accepting all that his outburst and reactions had done. "You did not think of the crew you already had, did you? You made absolutely no mention regarding internal promotion which was a slap in the face to those officers aboard the ship who could have filled those positions. Despite how shattered he was, and we both not only saw it but heard in his voice, Spock thought of Scotty, Sulu, Uhura, Chekov, and he even thought of me in that message, recommending some recognition for what we did."

"I will get him back, Bones. I do not know how but I will,"

"Okay, let's say he survives and is declared fit and somehow Command overlooks all that emotionalism of you claiming he was insubordinate. Do you really think he would want to come back after what you said to him? Do you think he would find it easy to simply go on as though you had not said all that you did in front of the others?" McCoy was silent long enough to get Kirk to really look at him, "Jim, have you even given any thought to the possibility that he might not want to come back?"

* * *

A/N Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed part 1 of 2


	2. Chapter 2

"Bones! What do you," Kirk stopped as he closed his eyes, again seeing the look on his friend's face as he said " ** _Acknowledged, Captain_**." and hearing the under tones in his friend's voice on the recording about what he had done to the computer system. Others might not have noticed the slight changes and nuances but he had, and clearly McCoy had as well. All of a sudden he wanted to run, to hide, to be alone, to cry, to stop thinking. "I, I'll be in my quarters."

Once Kirk had left McCoy contacted the bridge and told Sulu that he was sending Kirk to his quarters for a mandatory stand-down, for medical reasons, for twenty-four hours. As he knew it would be on speaker he knew the others would also hear and from the momentary silence McCoy could mentally picture them all looking at one another and nodding as they would also have seen how tired and emotionally compromised the man was. They had all been there when he had lashed out at Spock while being under the influence of the drugs that Erin Saunders had been using.

"Noted, Doctor. Please tell him I, we will mind the store and hand over to him in twenty-four hours."

When he got to Kirk's quarters he was surprised to not find him there and went to what had been Spock's quarters to find him just standing in it, arms crossed tightly across his chest, eyes closed, rocking on his heels, and saying "I'm so sorry, Spock. I'm so sorry." over and over with tears slowing tracking down his face.

Very slowly and gently McCoy walked over to him and placed a hand on Kirk's arm, "We best get to your quarters, Jim. I'm putting you on a mandatory twenty-four hour medical stand-down and you will spend it in your quarters or my Sickbay."

The pain and loss that came with the realization of what his friend had done was clear on Kirk's face when he looked at McCoy then around the empty quarters and said, " **I've , I've lost him, Bones**. Look at it. He took everything. It does not even feel like his quarters any more."

McCoy only then looked around and saw how the room was empty of anything that would have given it identity. It was just unoccupied quarters. It was no longer reflective of an alien world, of Vulcan, but just a standard Starfleet officer's quarters. He did not want to think about who had been there, about the times he had been in those quarters with that special friend. He tightened his grip on Kirk's arm and without a word Kirk followed him to his quarters and sat at his desk, his elbows on the top of his desk supporting his raised forearms that held his head.

If anybody had asked him why he had gone to what had been Spock's quarters Kirk knew he had no answer. Well, no answer that others would understand. So many times when he had been troubled, wanted to talk something over with a non-judgmental or emotional person, or just needed the quiet accepting presence of another he had gone there. There had been where there had been perhaps the only being who accepted him as him and to whom he knew he could say things that would not be repeated to others nor judged. To some it was alien, strange, unearthly yet to him it was oddly reassuring and calming. It was that way as Spock had made it that way, made him feel at peace and relaxed in that strange environment. He did not want to think of how those empty quarters had shown him that Spock had gone. He had not accepted Spock would not be back until he had seen how empty, sterile those quarters were. Spock had obeyed his orders to clear out his quarters. Spock was not coming back. He had sent him away. He had told him to say the hell out of his life. Suddenly he felt all alone even though he knew the light pressure on his shoulder was McCoy trying to comfort him, trying to support him through this hell of his own making.

"Now first I'll give you this," Kirk felt the pressure on his arm and heard the hiss of McCoy's seemingly ever present hypo, "load of vitamins and minerals your body needs and this," another hypo pressed against his arm, "something to relax you and help you sleep which will be what your mind wants to do after all it had been through. I've let Sulu know and will make sure you are up and ready well ahead of when we are to arrive at Starbase Eleven."

Before the sedative could take effect McCoy got Kirk onto his bed, removed his shoes, and, by the time he had fetched a blanket, Kirk was sleeping. For a moment he stood looking at his sleeping friend and hoped he would be able to help him deal with what they all were most likely going to have to deal with. Kirk would have it rougher for he would know that it was his actions that precipitated Spock leaving and subsequent events. If there were any two men who belonged together he knew they were Spock and James t. Kirk, two very different men who were very lonely and found that missing part of themself in the other. Although the three of them were often together he was aware that over half the time the two of them were communicating in a way he did not understand but accepted. He considered himself very fortunate to think of them both as good and close friends but knew that what they had had always been somehow deeper. While he was unsure how Kirk would cope should Spock recover and not return to the Enterprise he was certain that should Spock die without them ever reconciling would kill the core of James T. Kirk. He had seen what the friendship with Spock had done to and for Kirk, had seen what having Kirk as a friend had allowed that cold Vulcan wall to all some of his Human side shine through.

Kirk knew they were almost at Starbase Eleven when he returned to the bridge and he was just sitting looking at the dot on the screen that was the base slowly increase in size. He was aware of the others not only manning their stations but also watching him. He wondered if they were thinking as he was, that somewhere on that dot was somebody who should be here, on the bridge, with them. Did they also realize how much things were going to change in a very few hours? How would they react if. No! He would not think about that. There were other matters that had to be dealt with first. On the notepad that Sulu had left for him he clicked the segment showing incoming messages and saw that he was to, as soon as they docked, to attend three meetings and then get their next orders. He looked at the timetable at least four times. The crew would have twenty-four hours off-ship time, new provisions would go aboard, Scotty was to see to the new additions to the ship designed to enhance the ship's capabilities as well as inspect the things he had left this three "lads" to do, McCoy would go find out about Spock, but all he had time for were the meetings. There was no time for him to go see Spock. At least one of those meetings was going to have to wait as he was going to see Spock. He was going to get Spock back.

"Captain, I have Admiral Franklin Tomlinks from Starbase Eleven for you." Uhura had half-turned to look at him and nodded, "Go ahead, Captain."

"Admiral Tomlinks, Captain Kirk here. Thank you for arranging all the meetings you have but I had wanted to check on the condition of my First Officer,"

"Captain Kirk, you mean your **former** First Officer don't you? I believe Officer Dennis Frinks is your First Officer now as you did request a new First Officer. Are you saying that he is not a proficient officer? Of all the available officers qualified to be First Officers he had what was deemed the right qualifications for a ship like the Enterprise. We did discuss this before. The last I heard about Mister Spock's status is that he is still in intensive care and while he is not improving he is also is not waning. I believe Doctor McCoy is to go and assist with a full analysis of his prognoses and future care. I am awaiting a chance to talk with Mister Spock, as are many of the computer experts here and at Command, with regard to what he did to the computer system on the Enterprise to do what it did to protect the ship as well as to gather in information it gathered from the Klingon ship."

"Would there be any time between the meetings for me to at least have a short visit with Mister Spock?"

There w1as a long silence and then Tomlinks was back, "Doctor Xim has said it would be best for both of you if you did not see him again. Doctor McCoy will be fully appraised of his condition and allowed to see him as on Spock's record it is Doctor McCoy who he assigned as being his representative should he be unable to make logical decisions due to a medical condition. Doctor McCoy will be able to give you a full report. Should he think it in the best interest of Mister Spock for you see him you will be allowed to shorten one of the meetings. I shall see you in my office in two standard hours. Tomlinks out."

When they had gone to the Transporter Room to beam down McCoy was certain that James Kirk was not fully aware of how he had looked at Dennis Frinks when he stood where Spock had always stood when they beamed down as a group. It was clear to McCoy and the others present that at first he was annoyed and then it was as though the realization that it was likely that Frinks would be the one to be there now and McCoy saw the sudden yet subtle way Kirk shook his head then stood straighter.

The Transporter Officer on Starbase Eleven told them all where they were expected and the quickest way to get to their destinations. For a moment afterthe others had left Kirk looked at McCoy not sure how to ask what he wanted to ask or say what he wanted to say but he saw about the blue eyes looking at him understanding. Understanding and sympathy. McCoy reached out and placed a hand on his friend and Captain's shoulder, "We'll talk later, Jim. You take care of what you have to and I'll take care of what I have to take care of."

"Bones," so much was on his friend's face and about the hazel eyes that was reflected in the one word. Almost instinctively McCoy gave the shoulder under his hand a squeeze and saw the slight nod before the command mode fell back into place.

"I'll catch up with you later, Captain." McCoy headed for the medical center and tried not to think of what he might be walking into. There were a few things he had not shared with Kirk, things he did not want to dwell on, or even think about, what he would find when he arrived.

Almost as soon as he walked into the ward he had been directed to he saw both Doctor Xim and a man he recognized as Glen Janes, the head of the medical center walking toward him. There was another man, further along the corridor, that McCoy could not clearly see and yet he got the distinct impression that he was watching them.

"It is an honor to meet you in person, Doctor McCoy. I have studied many of your papers and applied some of your unique treatment methods with great success on patients who would otherwise have had different outcomes. I regret that there has been no noticeable change to Mister Spock's condition although his physical wounds appear to have healed very well and, from what we can tell, his internal injuries are healing. He is not much of a communicator and if he were mobile I am certain he would have tried to get out again."

"Again?" McCoy pushed past them and into the room knowing that Spock would tell him the truth but stopped when he saw his friend. It took him two minutes to control his anger at how they had Spock and immediately went to the bed and removed the restraints before turning and glaring at Xim, "Explain!"

"He was becoming difficult and tried to walk out on me. What should I have done?"

"Have you done any studies regarding Vulcans and other non-Humans? As patients they often need to prove to themselves what their limits are rather than accept what they are told by a non-Vulcan physician."

"The patient would have further injured himself."

"He would have learned that he had to stay in the bed. Of all the illogical, elementary, asinine,"

"Mack Coy?" the voice was soft but McCoy heard it and immediately turned to look at Spock, taking hold of a reaching hand while with the other using his mediscanner, noticing how there was confusion about the dark eyes and Spock was having difficulty speaking using only monosyllables.

"Right here, Spock. I'm gonna to stay right here with you."

"Not ship."

McCoy saw the momentary panic about the dark eyes and heard an uncharacteristic hint of panic in his friend's voice. "No, not on the ship, Spock. I, I have off-ship accommodation here." he gave the hand he was holding a gentle squeeze hoping the Vulcan would not be able to sense he was lying. Quickly he looked at the readings and was not surprised by what he saw, almost all of the levels were troubling but not immediately life-threatening if he could get the stubborn man to go into a healing trance. as soon as possible.

"Now?" in the dark eyes McCoy saw a plea.

Without even looking at the other two men he nodded, "I'll just get some help to get you,"

"You cannot take him!" Xim all but bellowed, "I'm studying him! He's a hybrid and I need to keep him here to study. You can't take him, you've got nobody to help you,"

McCoy noticed how shocked Xim looked and how quiet he went when the man McCoy had seen watching him earlier walked into the room and almost charged at the man but stopped short and just looked at him, "You will not talk to Doctor McCoy like that! You say even one more word and you will have to explain to not just Commodore Janes but also Command's medical panel EXACTLY how you sprained your wrist and broke two fingers while trying to take samples from Mister Spock without his or his doctor's permission,"

While Xim seemed to almost cower McCoy saw how the man looked at Spock before looking at him, "I'm Ian Granup, Doctor McCoy. You have a place?"

"Over in the officer's quarters."

"I'll grab a grav-bed and help you get him there. Will you need the three of us?"

"No, thanks for asking."

"Okay, I'll tell the others and,"

"There will be no need, thank you Officer Granup. Mister Spock will be staying here." McCoy saw an expression as close to pure controlled fury as he could remember seeing on another's face when he looked at Glen Janes and saw how he was glaring at Xim.

As he kept watching Janes the man very slowly and clearly very deliberately reached out and pressed a button on the wall that McCoy knew was a silent alarm for security, "Officer Granup, I meant no disrespect it is just that Doctor McCoy will be treating Mister Spock here, **in this room,** so there is no need to move him. Anything, and I do mean **ANYTHING** , that you feel you need, Doctor McCoy, will be made available to you." Granup just nodded at Janes and then at McCoy before leaving.

Almost as an instinctive reaction McCoy gave the long fingered hand still in his a light squeeze and looked down at his Vulcan friend, "You be okay with staying here if I stay with you, Spock?"

"You stay?" Having known the Vulcan for long as he had McCoy knew the tell-tale signs of his doubt and his fear. He also had an idea how, although he knew the stubborn man would never admit it, alone and unwanted Spock felt.

"I **will** **stay** with you, Spock."

"But the Cap,"

'He's a big boy and can take care of himself while I take care of you. Besides, Admiral Tomlinks outranks him and I told the Admiral that I stay with you to ensure you are l taken care of, Doctor M'Benga is capable of dealing with any medical emergency on the ship, or I resign. He agreed I could stay with you."

It was all McCoy could do not the laugh when he saw an eyebrow arch, "Threat?"

"No threats, Spock. I just gave him an option."

"See man ticks, as usual. Tie erred."

Although he was troubled by how Spock was talking in monosyllables at least he was aware and, for once it was a good sign, logical, "You just rest, Spock. I'll be in the room, just setting it up as I want it."

"Gran up help?"

"He helped but had things to do for Scotty."

"Has skills."

"Now I want you to just rest there, Spock." McCoy relaxed as he saw his friend close his eyes and gently placed his hand on the bed, "I'll be in the room setting it up."

When he looked around McCoy saw the two security guards arrive and saw how Xim looked horrified, "Doctor Xim is, as of now, removed from any position on this Starbase and his actions will be reported to Command." the two guards took hold of Xim, "Doctor Xim and I will be busy with an investigative review of his career from when he enrolled for training as a doctor to the events of today. Put him in solitary for now. " Once they had gone Janes looked at him and McCoy saw the man gradually relax, "I will leave you to arrange the room how you want it, Doctor McCoy. Just let me know if you need any assistance.' McCoy nodded his thanks and started preparing the room, all the while wondering how he would keep Jim from Spock as he knew his Captain and friend wanted to see Spock, knew he was hurting from the guilt he was feeling from what he had said and done.

Admiral Tomlinks had sat impassively across from him as he had given a full report of the events regarding their assignment to escort envoy Erin Saunders and Jim Kirk had the feeling that the Admiral had known or at least had suspicions about her before the assignment. When he had finished Tomlinks had nodded, "There is no need for you to feel badly about falling for her charms, Kirk, she tricked four other captains before you. Clearly they were all of use to her in honing how she would get to you. She had not counted on Mister Spock nor his thoroughness and dedication. She has admitted that she deliberately set about getting him off the ship as she thought he was getting suspicious. She was so sure that she had all the information that the Klingons needed to take over the Enterprise and when we told her of their failed attempt and offered to send her back to them to explain she freely admitted to working with them and hiring men to kill Mister Spock, men she personally killed after they had told her how they killed him and where his body was. We immediately sent people to where she said and found Mister Spock barely alive. I believe Doctor Leonard McCoy's request to remain with him until he either returns to Vulcan or is well enough to take up a position at Command will be granted."

"I was hoping to have a chance to see him."

"Doctor McCoy should,"

"I had meant Mister Spock."

"That will depend on Doctor McCoy's assessment of his condition."

"I would like to put in a request for Mister Spock to be reinstated as my First Officer and Science Officer."

"The matter has been discussed and you have the two officers you requested after reporting Mister Spock's acts of insubordination. We have had reports from your other senior officers stating his actions were not of insubordination but those that would be expected of a First Officer but it was **your report** that action was taken on as you were his commanding officer. You must know that Mister Spock requested you not be told of the extent of his injuries and any request for his return to be ignored."

" _Mister Spock requested you not be told, you not be told, not be told_ " Kirk closed his eyes and shook his head as he realized just how deeply he had hurt Spock. _"You were his commanding officer. Were. Were. Mister Spock requested **you not be told**._"

With the words repeating in his mind Kirk was aware of how Tomlinks really was looking at him, studying him, almost seeming to try to tell him something without actually saying it, and saw him slowly shake his head, "You know, Kirk, you two were a team, one of the best, if not the best, in the Fleet. He said how the last discussion you two had was instrumental in what he did to the computer system which just shows how you two were like one. She really got to you for you to turn on him as she said you did, as your senior officers said you did. Although your formal request was made while you were under the influence of a drug, that was not known at the time and was all actioned before it was discovered. The change has been logged at Command. It is up to you now, Kirk, to **make the situation work**."

"Would, would I be able to at least see Mister Spock before my next meeting?"

'We are scheduled to be talking for another thirty-fives minutes before your next meeting yet I think we have covered all that needed to be discussed at this meeting. We are to have a final meeting in twenty-four hours, just before your departure tomorrow. You are dismissed." For a moment Kirk just looked at the man and realized the meeting had been just to tell him that there was to be no change in personnel, that he had what he had requested and it was noted in Spock's record that he was insubordinate. No allowance was made, although it was acknowledged, for the fact that at the time of his request he was temporarily mentally impaired. He was just told to make the situation work and dismissed.

As he walked away he wondered how he could make the situation work. Just the few days that he had had the two officers had changed the whole atmosphere on the bridge as well as taking more time to get answers. Oh he got answers quickly but there was often some disagreement between Majet and Frinks that bordered on argumentative if not hostile. There was also a distinct silent demarcation between them and the bridge crew where they seemed to treat the bridge crew as underlings. He had to admit that while Uhura, Chekov, and Sulu were very professional both McCoy and Scotty avoided being on the bridge unless they were summoned by him. It was decidedly no longer a friendly ship to be on nor an overly cohesive crew. For a moment he paused as he fully realized that everything that had happened, that had led to how things were, was because of him. As it was all his fault he had to admit that Janes was right, he had to make the situation work.

It had not taken him long to get to the Medical Annex and had been surprised when he had been halted at the entrance to the Intensive Care Unit. Two security guards gave him a nod as they moved together to physically block the door. "Captain Kirk, we have been instructed by Doctor McCoy to keep you from going beyond this point. We will notify him that you are here but you are not to go beyond this point."

One of the officers went to a wall comm unit and perhaps four minutes later McCoy came out of the Unit and walked up to him, "Captain Kirk, if, for any reason, you are here to see Spock, you are wasting your and my time. You made it clear to him that you did not want him to be a part of your life. Now you and I know that was that drug talking. Granted the others found out and have been reservedly supportive after your apology which is to be expected not only for the loyalty to you as well as them seeing how you have been since. Spock was not prepared for that tirade. The venom in your voice, your choice of words. Hell Jim, it was even in how you stood and looked, glared at him. There was no way he could tell what was really effecting you other than what you said. Jim, you have to know that there is no way he could think you did not know what you were saying and that you did not mean what you said. You saw how he was during that tirade. He believed you, Jim. He believed you just as we all did but he does not know how strong that drug she used was, he does not know that she really was using you, controlling you. You heard it in how he said he acknowledged you before he left the bridge."

"Bones, I just want to see him."

There was a look on McCoy's face Kirk had seen a few times before and he knew it meant his friend was in deep conflict within himself. About the blue eyes he could see an inner conflict before McCoy gave a short nod, "Now you listen to me, James Tibereus Kirk, and listen good as I am doing this NOT for you but for him. Now he may or may not recognize you, as you are to stand where I have you stand and you do not make a sound. You have to know that he is not only not yet in full control of his emotions, he also is not yet willing or able to talk in complete sentences. He will say random words, monosyllabic words, and it is a mental scramble to try and understand what he is talking about, but **you will say nothing and do nothing**."

"Bones, if he,"

"You will not say or do anything, Jim."

"If he knows I'm there and I do not react to him he will,"

"He will what, Jim? Want to get away? You know how literally Vulcans take orders and you did tell him to stay the hell out of your life. Or he could believe he was hallucinating and just imagining you were there. It might be hard for you to do, Jim, but it most likely would be torment for him to know you were there. You will just go in, see him, say and do nothing, and leave, agreed?"

For a moment Kirk wanted to question what he meant by torment but, as he briefly closed his eyes, he saw how Spock had been during the tirade. All that shock, hurt, and pain his words reflected clearly on his face hurt and pain he had caused.

"Agreed."

While he had seen Spock in hospital beds before, seen Spock injured before, Jim Kirk was not prepared for seeing him looking so helpless, so vulnerable, as he was in that bed. Even with his basic knowledge of the medical registers he knew they were all alarmingly low except for the pain register which was higher than he could remember ever seeing one registering the level of pain Spock was in. Spock's occasional twitching indicated the pain that was also evident in his breathing. When he looked back down at Spock afer looking at the bank of medical registers he saw two dark eyes looking at him. There was no change in the expression on Spock's face and Kirk wondered if Spock had even seen him or was ignoring him before he closed his eyes.

"Sigh trop ich." It was barely audible but it was that beloved baritone.

From McCoy's reaction Kirk knew the two words Spock had all but whispered meant something. The way he quickly moved to the bed, waved his hand held scanner over Spock, looked from the readings on it to the ones the registers were showing, and placed a hand on Spock's. "Yes, Spock. That was it."

Spock opened his eyes again, seemed to be looking at him, his voice still only just audible, "Re placed will stay hell out of your life." then he sighed and closed his eyes.

For the first time in a long time James Kirk felt totally numb. Spock had seen him and had said back to him what he had said in that tirade. Suddenly he felt he had to run, to get away, to find a place he could, could what? All he knew was that he had to go and without a word he turned and only just controlled himself enough not to run.

McCoy had just about turned from looking at Spock to watch Kirk almost run from the room when a warning light flashed on the board indicating oxygen intake decreasing and heart rate slowing rapidly. "Dammit to hell, Spock. I'm not going to lose you because of him. You're too important to so many of us and you're one of my closest friends and I have precious few of them." Out of training and habit McCoy started to fix an oxygen mask over Spock's nose and mouth and was about to inject a heart stimulant when he looked again at his friend and stopped, placing the hypo down, turned and nodded at one of the security guards, before turning back and taking both of the Vulcan's hands in his and leaning close to him, "I'm sorry, Spock. I was thinking of me and not you. I was thinking about what you mean to me and what the reactions of those four others, who also consider you as a very good friend, will be when I tell them you decided to permanently leave them, leave us. I know that, out of the five of us, only Scotty has not yet sent in a request for immediate transfer off the Enterprise if you're not aboard and Jim is still Captain. Scotty has said he would stay aboard the six standard weeks you stated the three major modifications you helped him with on the engines would take to be fully tested to do what they are meant to and then he would resign, resign rather than transfer. I've heard that several of the rest of the crew have also put in for transfer if you are not there and Jim is still Captain. I'm gonna remove the mask and you can decide. Just know I understand you may decide not to come back to us yet you could consider going to Vulcan, to one of those cloisters of intellectuals where you can share all you have learned and, hopefully, learn even more. I'm gonna be right here with you till you decide what you want, my friend. The others will be here soon."

Jim Kirk was aware of how both Rear admiral Angus Yater and Rear admiral Tori Quing were looking at him across the table and felt even more uneasy than before. Coward. Coward. Coward. The word seemed to have become synchronized with his heartbeat. It was the right word. That small part of him had wanted to stay and make Spock hear him, make Spock understand why he had... No. He could not make Spock understand or accept something he himself did not, could not, forgive himself for let alone understand. Over the years he had tried to fully explain Human emotions between male and female but found it difficult as he could not fully understand the whole bonding thing that ruled the Vulcan way of relationships between males and females.

"We will not keep you long, Captain. We just have a few questions as we have a most unusual situation. Do you know that out of your crew compliment we have received over three hundred requests for transfers as soon as possible citing the, and I quote, illogical, irrational, and incoherent ranting you did to a senior officer, namely First Officer Spock? We have also had requests for transfer upon return to Command by your senior bridge crew as well as your Chief Engineer all stating a foreseen lack of cohesion on the bridge and a loss of confidence in their captain's emotional and intellectual stability when his actions are questioned with regard to the safety of the ship and its crew. Apparently you were most unprofessional, irrational, and extremely personal when questioned by First Officer Spock about what you were allowing a being who was not an officer in Starfleet to have free access to see. Unfortunately even with the assistance of your Communication's Officer and several computer experts we were unable to find a fault with the recording computer yet seem to have lost thirty-eight minutes of both audio and visual recording of the bridge so we have no actual footage of what was said. We are fortunate that Erin Saunders said you were extremely personally derogatory towards him and questioned his ability to do his job in a most irrational manner. She had expected him to, after what was said, go to his quarters and get ready to leave and not, instead, go to the main computer and do what he did to protect the computer. We found. the access code to be somewhat unusual. Does have any meaning, Captain?"

Remembering what it was made Kirk momentarily close his eyes then he looked at the two officers really watching him, "Yes, and it is personal."

"So, even after you apparently insult, embarrass, and belittle him in front of fellow senior officers, and finish his career, Mister Spock thinks of a code only you two would know or understand? I'd say that is a most loyal,"

McCoy's voice came over the small comm unit, "Excuse me for interrupting but if Captain Kirk is there tell him to get here,"

Kirk did not wait to hear the rest of what McCoy said as he knew from the tone it was to do with Spock and was important, "If you will excuse me I must go."

Had anybody asked him the way back to the Intensive Care Unit Kirk would have been unable to tell them but somehow he managed to hare his way there as though a pack of terriers were after him, only slowing when he got to the room Spock was in and saw the others all there. For just a few seconds there was stillness as they all just looked at him as though, for that moment, uncertain about him. In the stillness he could hear the soft repeated question, "Jim? Jim?" and when he took a step forward they moved so he could get to the head of the bed.

McCoy motioned for him to wait then said, "Jim's here, Spock. Jim's here with all of us now. You just rest, we're all here now."

Two dark eyes looked up at him and for a moment he saw uncertainty there, saw how his friend was looking not only at him but into him and he relaxed, ensuring there were no barriers. There was just the slightest of nods and Kirk saw him struggle to raise his hand so quickly took it between his two. The slight grip asked the question and Kirk lightly squeezed the answer back before they nodded almost in unison.

For three minutes there was silence as the two men looked at each other and the five around them understood their need for this time. When Rear admiral Angus Yater and Rear admiral Tori Quing arrived along with Admiral Tomlinks the five stood at the doorway there was no mistaking how protective the senior crew was of one another as they encircled the bed and just looked at the three outsiders.

"This, this is what every command crew should be like," Tomlinks said mainly to Yater and Quing but also to the others. "This is what makes them the best in the Fleet. Hell, the best in any fleet."

'Ye know all that and still are going ta take the lad from us."

"We are only keeping Mister Spock off the ship as," he stopped as he had seen how Spock had gripped Kirk's hand, an indication to even a person with as little medical knowledge as himself that the First Officer was comprehending what was being said and what it meant, "we believe that only by doing a full, independent, assessment of his abilities can it be decided if he is fit for his previous roles and positions on the Enterprise. It is known that Doctor Leonard McCoy is a very good doctor but that doctors who have close relationships with patients, as develops on some ships, can be inclined to not notice things other doctors would. We have been told, however, that in his initial assessment of Mister Spock's condition, Doctor McCoy found six serious factors our own specialists had missed. What we need to know is if Doctor McCoy believes he is fit enough to be on the ship?"

"Ma jet and Frinks?"

"As soon as we found you and with what Erin Saunders told us I contacted Command and it was decided if you wanted back on the Enterprise and Kirk wanted you back that they would be given the positions they have on the Enterprise on the next available starship. If you two will be a team again you will save us a lot of time filling the vacancies the rest of the crew who put in for transfers."

Confusion was plain, plain at least to those who knew him but clearly not to the other three, on Spock's face when he looked at Kirk, "Seems they heard about my unforgivable behavior towards you and if you were not going to be there to control me then they wanted off the ship."

One by one Spock looked at the others who all nodded and it was Uhura he looked at last and she said, "You balance and ground each other and you are our rock in the serious and the trivial moments. Without you there it is a dead bridge and the ship feel lifeless."

McCoy looked from Kirk to Spock who looked back at him, "You know Jim and I went to your quarters and they are not the same without all those touches we got used to in there. I don't suppose it would take long to get it back to how you like it. You could even recover better there."

"No sick bay?"

"No but you need a healing trance and to be watched. Not all those stab wounds have finished healing."

Spock looked at those around him then at Kirk. Kirk tried to look relaxed while he fought to control the uncertainty in him. There was every reason for Spock not to return after how he treated him. "Yours?"

It was all Kirk could do not to cry out and hug Spock to him. He was forgiven, they were still as they had been. 'Yes, Spock. You'll have your healing trance in my quarters."

"Till then he will rest here." McCoy rocked slightly on his heels as he looked from Spock to Kirk and then at the others, "Well, what are y'all doing here? Go get his belongings back where they belong and get the ship ready for him. And that," he looked directly at Kirk, "includes you, Captain. The sooner you have your quarters ready for him the sooner he is back on the ship where he belongs."

 **FIN**

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A/N Yet another day of torrential rain and cold temperatures so got it finished. Back to other matters for about two weeks then back to slowly attacking the pile of stories. Hope you liked it. Take care and HAVE FUN!


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